Healing Rain: Waving the white flag is not easy!

So much has happened since I last updated! Summer is now coming to an end, and even though I wasn't able to be sailing and chased down by a bunch of kids at camp, it was definitely a memorable one, both good and bad. I spent half of it recovering from surgery, so it definitely feels like it should still be July. I got to go home for a visit a few weeks ago, and to be honest, I wanted to stay. It's been such a rough summer and I didn't want to come back because I knew it would continue to be rough and challenging. I have a very physically and mentally demanding job here, and I just recently took on a second job taking care of a 3 month old. It's great pay, but how did I think I was feeling 100% better and that I could handle constantly working with no rest? Don't get me wrong, only a few days and I already love that little girl! I'm just at a point where I don't want to be around people at all, and there's too many at the ranch. I've even avoided friends. I'm shutting everything and everyone else out. At the same time, I can't stand being alone. It's a literally a battle between my physical wellness and what makes me happy, and quite frankly, I hate it. I don't want to be around anybody but close friends and family because I'm just too tired and exhausted. Tired of faking the energy and smiles when I just really feel like passing out and throwing up. Tired of apologizing when I can't finish a sentence because I'm out of breath. Tired of not being able to keep up, not being able to do my job very well, and just in general feeling so lousy all the time and having to make excuses because everybody here quit caring long ago. The dream was to just keep traveling and wandering. The only thing I ever really dreamed of was cutting off all ties, jumping on a moving train, and exploring wherever I ended up. I guess the word would be disappearing. I've always been a wanderer, and now I feel like I'm being chained up again. Who would have ever guessed that the place I ran away from would be the place I really only want to be right now? Who knew the place I escaped to and called heaven was going to end up holding me captive? I just don't know anymore, I'm seriously making a decision between my physical health and my mental health. I'm definitely not staying home for long if I do go back, I need the independence and freedom. I've always made the decision to never let my physical problems get the best of me, but now that they have, I've just never felt so lost before in my life. It would be so much easier if this was a temporary illness. But it's not, it's life long and not getting any better. It is what it is, and right now I think the best decision (if I don't get the nanny job full time) is to go home for a while and just rest, and decide what the next step would be.

White flag- I made the decision to just let my body decide for its self if it wanted to give up. I lost weight, couldn't eat, I'm not even bothering letting anybody know if I feel bad unless I can't work. It's slowly but surely listening. That was not the easiest decision, I cried and prayed about it for weeks. But even though I call myself iron man, even though everyone who knows me tells me that I'm stronger than most, I'm only human and can only stay strong and fight for so long. So physically, yes I am waving the white flag. I'd rather be stronger mentally and spiritually, so I'm focusing on that so that I might be able to still physically fight again. Any questions and input is definitely welcome, and prayer is for sure welcome!