Now fast forward to May. I was referred to an electrophysiologist after numerous ER visits and being drugged up for anxiety and having nothing work. I was told at that appointment that because my right ventricle is enlarged, due to the leaking, it's causing an abnormal heart beat. I was not allowed to leave Colorado, they scheduled a catherization procedure immediately. He told me straight out, because I've been having dizzy and fainting spells at the same time as the abnormal uncomfortable racing and pounding, it can be fatal and next time could be cardiac arrest. I honestly wish I hadn't been alone at that particular appointment. I usually always have a friend or 2 with me, and my big stuffed pink unicorn named Cuddles. In fact, all the cardiology doctors and nurses know me very well. My congenital specialist even told me she never knows what to do with me. Haha, I guess that's a good thing? Anyways, getting back on track.. I got the news and honestly the first thing that came to mind wasn't "I could die at any moment" it was the fact that I wouldn't be able to return to camp this summer. I was crushed. Death has never scared me, in fact I don't mind dying because I know that I'll be in heaven and I'll get to run and play with my brother and never grow tired or exhausted. Sleeping on the clouds would be very cool too!
I had my procedure done just a little over a week ago, they did the catheter to see if they could find the abnormal rhythm, but they couldn't. So now I have a monitor in my chest. They cut me open just for a little device that may or may not help find the answer. I wasn't scared of the surgery. I was ready to get up and move around just minutes out of anesthesia. I wasn't allowed to move, but do I follow directions? Most of the time, no. I was trying to get up and walk around, and I had 2 nurses that had to restrain and hold me down so they could sedate me. I did throw a bit of a tantrum, but I was drugged, confused and tired of hospitals at that moment. Worst. Feeling. EVER! Not being able to move and having to be still. Not being able to do normal things and having to have the nurses spoon feed you. I was a little upset and overwhelmed because now I'm definitely not able to live a normal life, not that it was ever normal to begin with. I just want to be able to keep up with my friends, climb 14ers, go for hikes and not hold everyone back. I want to travel and be able to play with friends and not have them be careful around me. I'm tired of the "are you sure you can handle it?'s" I don't want to wear my best friend out anymore because she has to step in as the role of mom/caretaker.
I was supposed to be on bed rest. The first night I was home, I couldn't even walk. Every little move I made felt like my incision was being ripped apart. I had to have my bff spend the night because I wasn't allowed to be left alone. If I moved my leg the wrong way, the vein they stuck the catheter in would cause me to bleed out. The next day, we spent the night at our other best friends house. I did good and stayed in bed watching movies, but then when they decided to go for a hike, I decided to take the bandage off my leg. BIG mistake! I wasn't supposed to be left alone, and I passed out and started bleeding. So there I am fading in and out on the bathroom floor, and next thing I know, my supervisor is there. It was a scare, it almost turned into another ER visit, but thank God I was able to talk to the nurse. So that afternoon after the scare, we had a water fight. I LOVE my friends, I mean I love them no matter what, but the fact that they let me make my own decisions and trust that I know my own limits, makes me so happy. If I were back home, I'd probably be locked in my room and miserable. So that same day, I got to go to a concert! I went with my bestie and some other staff, and they were so nice and helpful, I ended up having to climb 65 rows of stairs and I was miserable by the end of the night, but I'm glad I went. So for the next few days I did take it easy. Still had to have my friend help me walk around a lot (you can see why I wore her out now). But I started getting around on my own gradually.
So today is 11 days post operation. I'm still very sore, my leg is very bruised and swollen still, and the chest incision hurts on occasion. I have never been so stir crazy in my life! A few days ago the bestie called me up and asked if I wanted to go play at Winter Park. It was SOOO awesome to get out and be in the sun! We got to play on the alpine slides, explore at the top of the mountain and have a snowball fight! She understands me, but still makes sure I'm ok and is willing to adapt in certain situations with me. That's probably why she's my best friend. But I was supposed to go back to work today, I haven't been able to get a release from the doctor, so because it's a liability issue, I'm not able to work without that note. It's very frustrating, I'm ready to go back to work! Right now, I've been cooped up and held back so much that I just want to go and run up a mountain, preferably a 14er. You can't keep a sapphire on bed rest!
So anyways, what's the purpose of this blog? I honestly don't know myself. When I was 17, I was in the hospital going through numerous tests and just so overwhelmed. I wanted to be back at school with my friends. Then I heard the song "healing rain" by Michael W. Smith on the radio. That has been my go to song anytime I'm in the doctors office or the hospital. It's going to be a long road, I'm not off the hook yet, the monitor just means that they'll be able to (hopefully) get an asnwer soon. I can't say it's all going to be ok, as much as I wish I could. I just know that it's in God's hands, if that means finding the answer and getting all better, or not finding the answer and dropping dead, it just means that it was my time. I'm not scared at all. Either way, it's not quite a journey, but definitely a long road that I might need a little bit of support on. I just want to share, apparently I'm a little bit more loved than I thought, and I've had people ask me how it's going. So I can update while I'm miles from home.
So I've had a few "go to" songs this past week. I was very discouraged because of things I would no longer be able to do (stunt flying). So for a few days I just played Martina Mcbride's "anyway" over and over and just cried while no one was around. Today, I couldn't stop listening to "live like you were dying" by Tim Mcgraw. Maybe it's the death of my cousin who was close to my age, maybe it's the reality that I could fall and not wake up at any moment, but that song just seems to be my philosophy on life right now. I want to sky dive, I have been rocky mountain climbing, but my goal is the highest peak in Colorado. I want to stay close to my friends, I want to master the terrain parks on my snowboard. I live without fear, and even though I really don't appreciate myself most of the time, that's one quality I actually like about myself, being fearless and perseverent. I've been called inspiring, incredible, and amazing. WHAT?? I didn't know just living my life would inspire my friends! There's a reason I'm so stubborn and hard on myself. I know my time might be a little bit sooner than almost everyone, so I want to be able to accomplish things. I drill sargent myself on hikes. "Don't be lazy, go this many more feet and THEN you can have a sip of water!" there's a reason for that. I know I can do it. The words "cant" and "never" don't exist in my world. The more I push, the stronger I get. I might be paying a price physically, but mentally, when I get to the top of that mountain after passing out, getting sick, having to use my inhaler and struggling to breathe, the feeling that I was able to do it is so much more rewarding! I've never backed down and gave up, I would have beat myself up with negativity if I had. My friend says that I wont back down on a challenge, and she's right. I plan on keeping it that way.
So don't worry and please don't tell me that I can't do something! Those words hurt worse than any IV or incision. I was told that I shouldn't go on a staff hike up the smallest most mild mountain because I would hold everyone back, and that was a major slap in the face, but guess what? I was able to go and I didn't get tired and I didn't have to break as much! I'm ok though, I promise I know my limits and I'm following doctors orders (for the most part). I feel a lot better, and if I see a hospital or ER again, it'll be way too soon. But I can't leave for awhile, so I would really love to have visitors!
It begins.... (Laura gave cuddles an IV too)
Water fight!
3 best friends, Laura, Arianna and me!
Me and my bff Laura, she was there taking care of me from the day I got home.
Hillsong concert at red rocks, day after surgery.
Resting like a good girl. They let me take Winter into the OR with me, she's been my inspiration!
Play time at Winter Park!
Me and Laura on the alpine slides!
"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31
Im so glad u have ur freinds there. I love u and pray u will be with us for a long time:-). U inspire me just want u to know that. Again love u
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