Even if the Healing Doesn't Come

Ok, I know I've been quoting song titles a lot. I just have so much on my mind, a wake up call.

So first of all, I had my incision check appointment on Tuesday. Leave it to me to not stay in bed during recovery and rip open part of the incision.. anyways, it's a little infected, but they taped me back up and told me to come back in a week if it wasn't better. I figured out where the monitor is located, and quite frankly, I don't like it. I can feel it and it hurts when I touch it! I'm still very iffy about doing certain things, still can't jump or run. Even bending down the wrong way makes me nervous. I can finally sleep on my stomach again though!

Here's the deal. I have got the greatest friends in the world! I know I talk about them a ton, but since I can't be home with my real family, they have stepped in and become my surrogate family. I've even been told that there's probably not a person on campus who doesn't know who I am! I've gotten better physically, well better as in back to my pre-surgery state. But mentally and emotionally, not so great. I've always had this problem, but it never occurred to me just how serious it is.

I don't know what happened, but suddenly my heart was freaking out on me and I felt that I was just getting hit with so many bricks and just couldn't carry those bricks anymore. It's not easy to stay strong and play normal when you wake up everyday just praying for enough strength to get you through the day without passing out. Or praying for peace of mind not worrying that your heart is going to kill you suddenly. "What if I'm working the zip line and I just suddenly pass out?" It wont happen, I have such amazing and understanding co-workers and supervisors and they always make sure I'm ok, and even though I've lied in the past and said I'm just fine when I was so dizzy and my heart was racing, I've come to terms that when it comes to work, I have to know and stay within my limits for the safety of others.

So on Monday night, I decided at midnight that I had a lot of extra energy, so just me myself and I went on a midnight hike up 9 mile mtn. I had planned on just staying a few minutes, so I came back to my room, then guess what?? I realized that I left my phone at the top. So in just one night, I hiked a mountain twice, and I even got to stay up and watch the sunrise! And another moment when I was proud of myself was yesterday. I love working the zip line! It's very physical, and since I'm not allowed to belay again for a while, I've been working at the ladder. Yesterday, one session was completely full, so it was literally climb up the ladder, get the person unclipped, climb down the ladder, yell commands so the next person could come down, move the ladder to the other side, and climb again to repeat. Not one break, it was scorching outside, and I had no water since I was just a fill in, and I wasn't prepared. But I even got a compliment from my co-worker who was at the top. He told me I was killing it out there and I looked great, he had to question whether or not I was completely healed or not though. I love proving that I actually have strength! 

 But getting back on track, I just felt horribly depressed and overwhelmed suddenly that day. I was even going into that state of mind thinking myself as "worthless" and thinking that maybe it would be better if I could just die now. Before it got out of hand, I called my bff and she came over. We stayed up about 6 hours that night just talking and crying. I spilled everything I was terrified of. I was scared to death when I had my procedure done! Some of those questions they asked.. "Would you rather be buried or cremated?" "Since your family isn't here, who would claim your body?" "Are you willing to be an organ donor?" and the anesthesiologist explaining everything that could go wrong.. "We need your consent to accept a transfusion, because you could bleed out during the procedure." "Do you have dental insurance? Because there's a chance that you could stop breathing and we would have to shove a tube down  your throat." I explained open heart surgery and how it's done. After talking about how nobody is normal, every trait we have is hand chosen by God, the question I asked really hit her hard, and I felt so bad. "Why did God choose me to be sick?" At that point she said she didn't know, collapsed onto my shoulder and was crying even more than I was and I have never seen her cry that much. I asked her why she was so upset and the answer she gave me just broke my heart. "I just wish God would heal you." She was so emotional as we talked about why I choose to live fearlessly and taking risks, and how the only reason I'm not ready to die is because of how it's going to effect my family and friends. I got a smile though when I said that God made me a sapphire so I could fight this fight! She reassured me that I'm not alone in this battle. God gave us friends to help us carry our burdens. Even when I was just overwhelmed and crying about how nobody understands, she told me she was feeling the emotional pain. I never wanted her, or anybody to feel any of it. But our talk made me realize something.


I've been super selfish. It does affect me the most, obviously, but I had no idea how much my being sick hurts my friends. Even saying something really sarcastic, like after a long day of work, "ok I'm gonna go curl up and die now." Of course I mean nothing by it, but it hurts them because it's a reality that could happen, and they don't want it to happen. After mine and Laura's talk, and realizing how much it affects those that I'm closest to, I've decided I'm going to do something drastic. I'm going to slow down a little bit and take care of myself. By taking care of myself, I mean listening to doctors, not ignoring pain, not insisting that I'm fine when I'm laying on the ground fading in and out desperately trying to stop myself from completely passing out, and staying in the limits. I just said I'm not scared to die, I never said I wanted to, or that I was ready. Mine and Laura's SMR mom, Kathe, even said that we were going to be best friends for life, and that she totally knows that we're going to embarrass our kids and husbands with our craziness. I mean, I still have a lot of traveling to do before I settle down, or even if I ever do. But it's definitely very hopeful thinking about the future! Although as of right now, I could definitely see myself settling down here. Texas will always be number 1 to me, but Colorado has welcomed me with open arms and become home.

Another thing is weighing heavily on my mind tonight. After listening to my other bff talk, it made me realize how much more selfish I am. The talk was basically "God can't heal everyone, it would make the world too easy." All I've been doing is praying and asking friends to pray for healing. Some family back home even spreads it around to pray that the doctors find nothing. Honestly, praying for nothing is not what I need. I know and the doctors know there's something serious wrong, and not finding anything only slows down finding the right answer. It's frustrating to me, and to my doctors. But honestly, she got me thinking. I know I always complain about how much I hate living like this, and how much I wish I was well enough to keep up with the friends here. But honestly, I'm starting to come around to the idea of being this way. It might sound very prideful, but it absolutely positively makes me and my heart smile when I get comments on how strong and inspiring I am. It makes me want to keep going and fighting. Every time I'm introduced to somebody new by friends, it usually starts out with "oh my gosh, this girl is amazing!" One of my new but close friends here, Heather, has her story about me that she likes to share with everyone. I don't remember this at all because I was just a few hours out of anesthesia and drugged up on morphine. But apparently when I got back to SMR, she asked me how I was doing, and she had I had the most pouty face and said very angrily "they cut me!" If I can inspire others and make others laugh by just being myself, maybe I don't have a big purpose in life that I need to fulfill. Maybe my purpose is to inspire, encourage, and bring laughter through a dark situation. I honestly don't know. I just need to stop praying and hoping for healing, because I don't have control. Maybe I wasn't meant to be healed, as much as my best friend wished for it, I don't think it'll happen. I'm just learning to accept it. I think for the most part I already have, it just means that I have to live life to the fullest and make each passing moment count for something good. 

                                               
                         Heavenly sunrise from my 2 in one night hike!