Scars and a Princess Room

Well I ran into a new challenge that never even crossed my mind until today. Finding tank tops and swim suits that hide my scar :( I was super excited to get some new clothes because of all of my old ones being too big. The challenge was always "makes me look too fat, my arms look disgusting, I look pregnant" negative things like that. I tried on this really cute halter dress that I found, and I felt good and was even twirling in front of the mirror. Then I suddenly saw the scar, very visible and very gross looking. It felt like a major slap in the face. I just wanted to cry and put my plain t shirt back on right away. If I wore that dress in public, I'd get stares and questions. It was a moment of weakness, and I ended up not getting the dress anyways. But then I had a revelation. Scars don't mean weak, in fact they're battle scars! I'm fighting a tough battle, and all the scar means is physical proof of fighting it. I got a scar on my face when I was 9 from climbing on the roof and falling off onto a ladder. A jagged piece of it sliced open my cheek. To this day I still have it, and I usually don't get questions about it anymore, but I love dressing up like a pirate because of it! Point is, I would be happy if they weren't there, but I can't make them disappear, so now I can make up cool stories about getting into fights with pirates. I'm good at making up stories! When I was 17, I had to wear a monitor at school, and I had some of the other students believing that it was a high tech cell phone that I needed to communicate with the CIA about area 51 because of some ufo evidence I came across while vacationing and getting stranded in the middle of nowhere, New Mexico. I told them that we were trying to contact the "others" and suddenly I had students I didn't even know coming up to me asking about it and asking if I knew what was in area 51 and how come it's so top secret. I eventually told the truth though. It's so much fun though! I don't mind it so much anymore, in fact at dinner, one of our internationals asked if she could see it. I think it's kinda cool when people ask about it. 

So moving on, after beating myself up and blaming myself for something beyond my control (I'm actually learning how to have more confidence and appreciation of myself!), I found a really princessy canopy and some sparkly pink stars. So I came back and turned my room into a princess room! I'm still not finished with it, but I thought I'd share what I have so far. Suggestions are definitely welcome! (No there ISN'T too much pink). 

 My bed, with the canopy I found at the thrift store! Also, my magic wands, books, get well balloon, unicorn music box, and you can't really see it, but my tiara is on the lamp. 

 My front door, I made all the girls in the dorm a princess picture. My friend Laura wrote my name on my board, and the stars are wrapped around the curtain. Looks better in person. 

Pay no attention to the clothes. All of these stuffed animals were gifts! I also love my pink rhinestone cowgirl boots and hat!

You're as Brave as a Button!

I just want to mention my super awesome best friend, Laura! She has been here for me through everything, and still continues to be. I know it isn't easy to be friends with somebody who is sick, but she has told me that God gave us our best friends to help us carry our burdens. She stayed with me after the surgery, and helped me do the things that were impossible at the time, walking, sitting up, brushing my hair, even spending the night for a few nights. When I became discouraged and terrified and overwhelmed, she stayed up just crying with me. I had questions that neither of us could answer, and it was difficult for both of us I'm sure. I was reassured that I'm not alone through all of this. When we went to Winter Park to play, she even made sure to stay behind me on the slides, that way nobody would run into me. I could have fun and be safe at the same time!

Before I went in for surgery, we went to see our 2nd mom here, Kathe, and we were pretty much just saying goodbye, chatting and laughing and being silly. The surgery subject came up, and Kathe was just reminding me that I'm strong and brave, and I'll get through like a champion. Then out of the blue.. "Yea Danielle, you're as brave as a button!" I don't know where it came from, but it made us all laugh. It's an inside joke now, whenever I get discouraged or scared, "remember, you're as brave as a button!" It makes me laugh and I feel better.

While I have my best friend with me through this whole mess, I just have to say, I'm surrounded by amazing people! My friend Nicole went with me to the hospital for the procedure, she drove to and from without any sleep, she stayed there with me while I was fighting with the nurses, and drugged up and confused. Last night I passed out and went to her. She stayed with me, and her and one of our co-workers made me go to the ER. 

When I say I'm surrounded by amazing people, I truly mean it. I was always scared to let anybody in on my condition, but here I can be totally honest and open about it. Everyone asks me everyday how I feel, and I love that they understand that I can't stay cooped up. They know that I know my own limits, and they respect that and still allow me to be myself and have fun! I have so many 2nd mothers here, even my own mother told me about it when she came for a visit! I absolutely love how my closest friends and my best friend make me laugh when I feel bad. Just last night at the hospital, my friends were playing with the medical equipment. 

At one of my cardiologist and CT appointments a few months back, Laura went with me, so of course we were goofing off. We had an older guy with us, and I handed him cuddles (the unicorn) so we could go skipping down the hallway with linked arms. We embarrassed him, but it was funny! At the doctors, we were playing salad fingers with the gloves (another inside joke) and Laura sat on the exam table holding cuddles. When my doctor came in, she was very confused (I didn't see, but apparently she had a very confused look). The whole time my doctor was examining and talking, we were just cracking up for no reason. Even when the nurse was trying to draw blood, we couldn't even look at each other. The doctor even mentioned that I was definitely not in any distress on my summary, and she mentioned that me and my friend were laughing through the whole visit. We joke about it now that she made it into a doctors report without being a patient. I'm very well known in the cardiology department, and the doctor and nurse love me. My other friends that have accompanied me to appointments find it hysterical that they know me so well. And because I love to make others laugh, that's a great feeling!

I don't know why I wrote, I just feel very grateful and surrounded by love. I absolutely love it here. I love that when times get dark and discouraging, like last night, it always gets better just by being surrounded by friends. Last night it was the hospital, tonight it was standing around a campfire with friends singing swing low, I'll fly away, and total eclipse of the heart, very dramatically I might add. It's a weekly thing, we get so into the singing, last week it was herman the worm and lean on me. There's clapping and dancing and shouting, and it's just so fun and for a little while, I forget that anything is even wrong. And I got to come back from campfire and laugh even more at my best friends role playing a parent and a kid trying to explain to the kid why she should eat the carrot she made into a bear (which looked like a frog to me). It involved bears needing to hibernate, and how this particular bear/carrot wouldn't be waking up since he'd be chewed into a million pieces. Idk, just little random ridiculous moments shared with my friends, that's really whats keeping me going and helping me to stay strong and happy.

 Nicole and I being goofy

My birthday

Our bff picture from Florida

 Because we're totally awesome and wanted to sleep in a fort instead of a bed.

Snow mermaids! Our last day for the season.